The Rambling Actor's Blog /

Knowing what you want to do in life after college, or any other institution’s release of one’s mind, is only a third of the way in the trajectory to becoming something, anything in this privileged slice of life we call America. To the contrary if you don’t know what you want to do and start out in life, after being ‘educated’, with a natural curiosity for things that absolutely feed your sense of wonder and interest, then I feel there is more room for soul searching and experiential gatherings of knowledge. I have had neither problem nor solution in my own trajectory. From a very young age I knew I could make people laugh, or cry mostly, but I didn’t know I had the makings to be an actor until I’d worked tons of different jobs (and failed spiritually at each one of them), traveled and been lost, or in love with the respective city, or until I had been properly excluded from all the reputable conservatories of the academia and stumbled, reached out, attempted, grasped, failed, achieved, stumbled again, met the wrong people, clung to the right ones, and ultimately… grew into a seemingly mentally stable and fully functioning hyper-empathetic human being.

Being an actor or the will, want, and/or necessity of becoming one means too many things to too many people and this age of ‘technology run amok’ and the individualism of every soul in the country does not seem to have a perfect wikipedia definition to the case. To be an actor, once you’ve actually figured that one out on your own and not been coerced into it through a parent, one has the world, its inhabitants, and all its information to draw nuance and form from. To be sure, the particular bits of data that we upload into our mind as actors daily, as an interest, must come from a place within the actor of true child-like wonder, to a destination of pure unfiltered understanding, and sincere function.

To destine a nation or to destine a small sum of the population to want to become a celebrity, a rock star, an Oscar Award Winning Actor must have some sort of merit but those who seek to find enlightenment in that world must first come from a place where none of that incestuous and shallow world can touch one. I’ve recently made the fatalistic decision that I am ‘destined’ to be an actor ‘in Los Angeles’ and such is the nature of this destined nation to want to emulate all that flickers on HD screens before their fluttering irises that indiscriminately absorb all the garbage with all the art. I on the other hand, am an actor in the wrong city, yet I carved a meager and survivable living for a number of years but in the end the big money is on the west coast. Ever since I knew my talents have something of value, I’ll risk it all for a bigger check… aha… there is the rub. I’m an actor no more, but a capitalist… or am I? I don’t know dammit! I’m scared to go into the lion’s den after being a big fish in the underground here in Miami and knowing full well that I will be lost and found on the west coast, needing new connections, new friends, a new place, a new car, a new, anew, anew, anew… that’s actually not so bad now is it? To be NEW! THAT is exactly what I’ve been speaking of, THAT sincerity, that wonder, that curiosity, that abandon and fearlessness to forge ahead through all the unknown with open arms and naked as a soul could be… will LA destroy me? Or will this east coast actor find the love he feels he deserves out where the dead are laid in deserts and trailer parks… or on the shelf with the rest of the American dreamers who sought what I seek…

Who knows… maybe you will vicariously feel it once I’m there… Soon… too soon?